3 Stages of Survival: Moving from Victim to Survivor and Beyond

Following the trauma of domestic violence people are often identified as victims. Victimhood is only one stage in the recovery process. The stages aren’t linear, they don’t proceed in a straight line. I often tell the people I work with that progress is often one step forward two steps back. The following identifies the various stages of survivorhood: victim, survivor, and thriver.

Stage 1: Victim

Victimization by a domestic violence (DV) perpetrator often leads a person to feel worthless and incapable. Domestic violence is about controlling another person and depleting their sense of power. Control and power over another person can take the form of physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse.

People who are victims often have low self-esteem, feel a sense of shame and worthlessness, and may not feel that they deserve nice things or that they deserve to be treated respectfully by others. Victims may be hypervigilant, always expecting a threat, and feel guarded. People in the victim stage of healing often feel alone, selfish, numb, damaged, confused, and hopeless. It’s common for perpetrators to isolate victims from friends and family. Isolated, lonely people with low self-esteem are easier to control and maintain power over.

Victims of DV are often afraid to tell their stories for a number of reasons. They may fear that their partners will retaliate or be fired from their jobs. Victims may believe that their stories are not worthy of sharing. It is also common for people in the victim stage to feel overwhelmed by their past as they come to recognize the struggles they have endured. DV victims commonly have difficulty setting healthy boundaries and find themselves wrapped up in drama and unhealthy relationships with toxic, unsafe people. Victims tend to put their own needs last and often have difficulty communicating in ways other than being passive or sometimes passive-aggressive. Victims tend to believe that suffering is just the way things are and have a hard time finding joy. Victims also frequently turn to substance abuse or codependent relationships to help them feel like they are doing okay.

Stage 2: Survivor

Once a person begins moving away from unhealthy and violent relationships with an abuser, they can begin reflecting on their experiences in a safe environment. As they recognize the struggle they have survived they begin searching for reasons why this experience happened and how they can heal. People in the survivor stage view themselves as both wounded and healing and begin gaining a sense of hope. A grieving process may take place as the survivor comes to terms with the different losses that have taken place.

Survivors are often eager to tell their stories and want to talk about all the aspects of their experience in their attempts to heal. Support groups can be a great help for people in the survivor stage since they want to share their stories and hear others’ experiences as well. Survivors begin learning ways to set healthy boundaries and explore what is safe or dangerous in their relationships. Through their curiosity and sharing of experiences with others, survivors begin identifying patterns, which can become goals to begin changing. Change takes time for survivors and doesn’t happen overnight or in a matter of weeks. Whereas victims tend to believe that suffering is normal, survivors begin gaining a sense of hopefulness and relief as they see a journey leading them forward.

Survivors also learn to laugh again. They have a healthy sense of humor and can find moments of joy. Instead of needing substances or codependent relationships, survivors can begin regulating their emotional pain and may seek out therapy to explore the new and uncomfortable feelings that have been numbed or disregarded before. Survivors begin learning about a wider range of emotions.

Stage 3: Thriver

Although many people feel satisfied reaching the survivor stage, others believe that there is still more to go on their journey and these people become thrivers. People in the thriving stage have a sense of gratitude for this new found life that seems to be overflowing with miracles and wonderment. Instead of feeling isolated, thrivers feel a sense of connection with others and the universe. Thrivers have healthy connections and are both independent and interdependent. Thrivers have a sense of pride in their ability to care for themselves. They live in the present moment and understand that emotional pain passes and can be learned from.

Thrivers set healthy boundaries with others and protect themselves from toxic people but are also capable of living with an open mind and heart. Thrivers place their own needs first as they recognize that helping others requires care for themselves first. Thrivers create peace instead of chaos and find joy around them. They use healthy humor and feel a range of positive and negative emotions which helps them feel alive and genuine.

Each of the first two stages takes time move on from and some people feel quite content and happy living life in the second stage. Some people experience great difficulty moving from victim to survivor stages and even become more comfortable staying in the victim role. The victim role offers familiarity. Oftentimes when I meet with survivors of DV who have entered into what seem to be healthy relationships, they describe feeling fear and confusion because they don’t know how to cope with a healthy partner and it feels scary. Survivors have often learned a number of coping skills during the victim stage to get through a violent relationship and learning to be in healthy relationships can require learning or building on a whole new set of skills. Reaching out for support is common for survivors and many of them turn toward family and close friends.

More can be found on these stages in the book: Surviving Domestic Violence: A Guide to Healing Your Soul and Building Your Future by Danielle F. Wozniak, PhD, and Karen Allen, PhD.tree-338211_1280

Inspired by the daily prompt: Survival

A Brick Wall or a Yellow Brick Road?


Working with traumatized individuals I often hear people say they have trouble getting beyond an emotional “wall” they have built. We create these walls as a defense to protect ourselves after we’ve been hurt by someone. A wall can act as a strict boundary that says “keep out” or “no trespassing.” As I listen to people talk about the walls they’ve built to keep themselves safe, I also hear them express hope that these walls might come down because they feel very isolated behind them. Our walls  can become prisons. Some people say they would be happier if they could just remove a brick or two. This post is to help you try to visualize what a happy life might look like beyond your wall.

Imagine your wall and picture each brick you have placed. When did you first start building your protective wall? What do you remember about the first brick you laid that started your wall? How has your wall kept you safe? How has your wall been a barrier to healthy relationships or other things you want for yourself? What kind of boundaries would you prefer to set with others without the help of your wall?

What if you could lay that wall down and see that it creates a brick road stretched out before you. (Think Wizard of Oz with the yellow brick road spiraling it’s way outward.) Maybe you’ve been building your wall higher and higher for some time now and, as you think about laying that wall down, you see that it extends for miles ahead. Because you have been stuck behind this wall for so long, you might find that you feel both excited and terrified about where this road might lead. Because this is your road (you built it after all!) you can travel on it at whatever speed you want to. You can run full speed ahead without looking back, or maybe you prefer to take your time and slowly explore everything along the way.

Where would you like this new road to take you? Who would you like to travel alongside you as you journey down this road? Again, because this is your road, you don’t have to take anybody with you that you don’t want to and nobody can join you unless you invite them. What would you like to see along the journey down your road? What activities would you most like to take part in now that you’re no longer behind that wall?

Maybe you’re someone who has been building a thick, sturdy wall instead of a tall one. This type of wall might make a good bridge if you tipped it over, helping you cross deep, scary trenches. Maybe you’ve been in those trenches before and your bridge gives you safe passage now. Where would you like your bridge to take you? What would you like your bridge to connect you to? What would you leave behind as you cross your bridge? How would you feel about leaving those things behind?

If your wall is too tall or too thick, and you can’t imagine stepping out from behind it right now, what if you choose to remove a brick or two? What is the first thing you would hope to see? Every brick has a story, or reason, for being added to your wall. What is the first brick you would like to work on removing from your wall? Although your wall has been helpful in many ways, what annoys you about your wall?

Feel free to reflect on the questions here and comment with your thoughts about the emotional walls we build or comment about your own wall you’ve built.



Post inspired by the daily prompt: Brick


10 Types of Trauma

When you experience a traumatic event it can change your beliefs about yourself, other people, the world in general, and your future. Trauma creates fragmented memories that are often sensory in nature. This means that we oftentimes don’t remember every detail of a traumatic event, but bits and pieces of the trauma become stored throughout our body in the form of mental images, smells, tastes, sounds, or touch. Following a trauma you may notice feeling triggered by something in the environment that causes you to recall parts of the event. Triggers may include loud noises, the smell of certain food cooking, or seeing a vehicle that resembles one involved in an accident. The result of having fragmented memories and changes in your beliefs might be that you notice feeling angry, fearful, distrustful, shameful, anxious, and other negative emotions.

You may experience traumatic events at any point in your development including childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and old age. This post describes ten types of traumas that may affect you or someone close to you over the course of your lifetime. Most people do not experience long term impairment following a traumatic event and it is possible to experience healthy growth following a traumatic incident and build resilience.



Natural traumatic experiences can affect a small number of people in a neighborhood or a larger number of people within a community. The following are some examples of natural-causes of trauma.

  • Tornadoes
  • Lightning strike
  • Wildfires
  • Avalanche
  • Earthquakes
  • Volcanic eruptions
  • Hurricanes
  • Floods
  • Famine
  • Landslides

How you respond to natural-caused trauma depends on how much devastation has occurred, the extent of loss, the amount of time it takes you to get back to daily activities, and the accessibility of services in your area. Having relief services available following a natural-caused traumatic event can greatly reduce the traumatic stress and aid in the recovery process.


Human-caused trauma are those caused by human behavior. These types of trauma can be accidental or intentional. Here are some examples of human-caused traumatic events.

  • Structural collapses
  • Plane crashes
  • Gas explosions
  • Oil spills
  • Gun shootings
  • Arson
  • Terrorism
  • Sexual assault/abuse
  • Domestic violence
  • Human trafficking
  • Home invasion

There is a difference in the way people perceive natural versus human-caused events. Natural events are often perceived as unavoidable whereas human-caused events are considered to be either intentional or unintentional. Following any type of traumatic event, people often feel a sense of anger, loss, frustration, fear, and sadness. When a trauma is perceived as intentionally harmful and human-caused, the event is often experienced as more traumatic and people attempt to make sense of the perpetrator’s personal characteristics and motivations for performing the act.


An individual trauma is one in which the traumatic event is experienced by one person. This type of event can be a one-time occurrence such as a physical attack or it could occur multiple times such as with repeated assaults. If you’ve experienced an individual trauma, you may feel that you don’t have the support in your community that is provided when larger, group traumas happen. It can be difficult for many individual survivors to disclose what has happened to them and you may feel isolated, shameful, or secretive about what happened to you if there is no validation or comfort available to you.


Group trauma refers to types of traumatic experiences that affect specific, small groups of people. This type of trauma affects groups such as first responders, firefighters, emergency medical personnel, commercial fishing crews, and military service members. Group trauma survivors are more likely to experience repeated trauma and tend to only discuss the trauma experiences with other members of their group.

Group survivors have great influence over other group members. They may encourage others to repress their traumatic experiences or discourage other members from seeking help if there is a sense of fear that the group may be shamed. Members may also discourage help-seeking if they believe that acknowledging the trauma will mean having to manage the repressed feelings that could surface. In other instances, groups can create a strong, supportive environment that can help members handle multiple traumas, aid in making adjustments over time, manage traumatic stress symptoms, and address mental and substance use disorders.


Historical, or generational, traumas are those that directly affect specific cultures and may indirectly affect the generations that follow. Examples of historical trauma include enslavement of African Americans, the forced assimilation of American Indians, the extermination of Jews during World War II, and genocide in Rwanda.

Historical trauma can lead to a loss of cultural knowledge, language,and identity. Additionally, it is associated with a reduced sense of well-being, depression, grief, traumatic stress, domestic violence, and substance abuse.


Mass traumas affect a large number of people and can be natural or human-caused events. This type of traumatic event may result in significant loss for individuals and communities. Examples of mass trauma include tsunamis, nuclear reactor meltdowns, earthquakes, and mass shootings. This form of trauma often challenges the available resources of the affected communities and makes it difficult to respond in a timely way. Mass traumas often result in chain reactions in which one trauma can lead to another. Following the initial destruction of a mass traumatic event, such as a hurricane, people may have difficulty meeting basic needs of receiving food, water, shelter, and safety as they are displaced from homes. In mass traumas it may seem as though you are no sooner trying to adapt to one trauma when another traumatic event occurs.

Mass traumas can create a sense of community and decrease the sense of isolation that occurs with individual trauma. People often feel more confident asking for help because others around them are getting help too.


Interpersonal traumas are those that occur between people. Interpersonal trauma commonly happens between people who know each other such as partners or families and includes physical abuse, sexual abuse and assault, domestic violence, elder abuse, and teen dating violence.

Political Terror and War

Terrorism is a human-caused type of trauma with a goal of creating uncertainty and fear within communities. Terrorism leads to fear around the unpredictable nature of terrorist acts, increased security, and intensified suspicion about groups of people or cultures. War threatens the health, well-being, and livelihoods of communities.

Refugee Experiences

Refugees are people fleeing their homelands because they have experienced fear and persecution there. They may be differentiated from immigrants who choose to leave their homes in search of new prospects for themselves or their families. Refugees may have been exposed to torture; witnessed deaths due to execution, starvation, or beatings; and experienced imprisonment, fear, loss of property, separation and/or loss of family members. Following their migration out of their homelands, refugees may also experience difficulty assimilating and adjusting to their new environments in their host country, feel socially isolated, and experience traumatic stress. Communities that are receptive and provide social support with culturally responsive services may help alleviate the development of mental illness and substance use disorders among refugees.

System-Oriented Trauma and Re-traumatization

System-oriented trauma and re-traumatization occurs when treatment settings, service providers, or agencies recreate a traumatic experience for individuals, sometimes without realizing they are doing it. System-oriented traumatization might occur if staff is unaware of a client’s traumatic history, an agency fails to screen for trauma history prior to treatment, providers discount or minimize reports of abuse, or if agencies impose strict policies and rules without allowing clients to respond or question them.

Providers who plan for the risk of re-traumatization by creating trauma-informed policies and procedures and responding sensitively to traumatized clients and their histories can achieve more positive outcomes with the people they serve.


There are a number of qualities that can encourage resilience, the ability to adapt to adversity, among trauma survivors including having strong family bonds, having a spiritual or religious practice, valuing friendships, utilizing humor and creativity, helping others, creating routine, and maintaining certain belief systems. Learning and building resilience can help you in your journey toward overcoming trauma.

If you have experienced trauma, how have you adapted in healthy ways? How were you able to build your resilience? What helped you recover along the way? If you’re a provider, how do you provide trauma informed services that are sensitive to the needs of survivors to prevent re-traumatization?


Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services. Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series 57. Chapter 2. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.


Life Without Fear

How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? We all feel fear from time to time. If we’re out hiking and we see a bear it’s likely we’ll have a sense of danger and feel fear. We have an identifiable source of our uncomfortable feeling: the bear. If you were incapable of feeling fear, you might approach her while she’s hunting for food with both her cubs. It’s likely you wouldn’t have a very good outcome in this situation!

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERALike all emotions, fear has a purpose. It’s job is to protect us from dangerous situations.

People who struggle with trauma-related conditions frequently feel as though they’re living in a constant state of fear. It’s like they are seeing the bear over and over and it feels very real even though the bear is no longer there. This can be where anxiety begins. Fear is something we feel when there is an imminent, identifiable danger. Anxiety is a feeling of tension occurring  when we think about danger. Anxiety is about your thoughts of danger, fear is about a visible source of danger. For trauma survivors, a life without fear may seem like a blessing! Waking up one morning and not feeling any fear may seem like a miracle for some who live with fear on a daily basis. However, some amount of fear can help protect us.

Types of Fears Survivors May Have

  • Fear of sleeping due to nightmares
  • Fear of being judged by service providers
  • Fear of more abuse by a perpetrator
  • Fear of losing close relationships
  • Fear of not being believed
  • Fear of trusting others
  • Fear that your reactions will be unpredictable
  • Fear that life will end early or suddenly
  • Fear that the traumatic event will happen again

Managing Fear

The goal when working with fear is not to become fearless but to fear less. Recovery from trauma is possible if you work actively to make changes. The following are some ways to begin managing your trauma-related fears.

  • Identify triggers
  • Gain awareness of the connection between the trauma and its consequences
  • Use healthy coping skills
  • Build social support
  • Practice spirituality
  • Access community resources (legal, mental health, advocacy, medical, etc.)
  • Maintain a daily routine
  • Recognize positive moments to build optimism
  • Pay attention to your self-talk and use positive language

Positive personal growth is possible following trauma. Some individuals are able to gain a new sense of meaning or purpose in life after a traumatic event. Others share lessons they learned from their difficult experiences and provide valuable education about recovery. Keep in mind that fear is there to protect you. Learning how to manage fear takes time. Survivors are generally resilient and capable of developing skills that can help manage symptoms and possibly prevent long term problems.


~Inspired by the daily prompt Fearless Fantasies ~